5 tips for making friends in a new city

From an introvert with social anxiety and an alcohol intolerance

It’s now been a little over two months since we moved cities, and I’ve been shocked at how seamlessly the transition has gone. This is the first big move of my adult life where I moved to a city where I knew no one (usually the moves were for work and I had relatively extensive networks of friends and colleagues in my new cities). I wasn’t sure how it would go, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised.

I’ve gathered, based mostly on other people’s reactions, that the transition is quicker and smoother than the average person might have, so I thought it might be useful to share how I think about moving to a new place, finding my context, and making friends.

For background: I grew up in a military family, moving to new places every 2-3 years. The culture shocks hit hard every single time—I went from being one of the only “white” kids in my class in Hawaii (I’m mixed, lol) to being asked if I spoke English in Kansas. I found my groove in a fledgling indie/emo aesthetic in eighth and ninth grade in Washington, and then was abruptly relocated to south Georgia, where I learned all about Sperry Topsiders and Hollister jeans. I spent my teenage years crippled by social anxiety, too scared to even speak in class, and feeling lonely and left out and disconnected. But I think those experiences also taught me to look closely at my environment and figure out ways to feel at home anywhere.

I don’t particularly feel that I’m great at making friends. I am not exactly what you might call “fun” — I love to go to bed early, I have an extremely low alcohol tolerance because of enzyme reasons, and I am often extremely anxious. Still, community is incredibly important to me. I want to feel like I know the people in my town, to feel like I’m part of a context, to feel plugged in.

Here are some things I think about when I move to a new place:

1. Map out your non-negotiables. Anywhere I live, I know I need a few things: a gym, a yoga studio, a coffee shop with good espresso and wifi, green space, an indie bookstore. These are sites that make up the fundamental architecture of my days, so it’s important for continuity for me to figure out what these standbys will be for me. Once I move somewhere, these parts of my life can stay relatively consistent, and it helps me to feel a bit more grounded when everything feels new and chaotic.

2. Each person you meet is a link. Some are hubs. There are connectors in every community. They’re the people who have been around forever, who always know a guy, and they’re usually pretty easy to find because they tend to pop up over and over in different places. I was lucky to meet some connectors early on, and I’ve been able to turn to them a few different times when I needed guidance: Is there a regular bluegrass jam anywhere? Where should we get noodles? What’s going on the Fourth of July?

Connectors will generally make themselves known and accessible, but they aren’t necessary to find your people! Some of my favorite people I’ve met in new cities were friends of friends that acquaintances introduced me to. Tell everyone you’re moving and say you’re looking for friends. You really never know where the chain of people might lead.

3. You must be uncomfortable. Messaging strangers to meet up is scary. Going on friend dates is scary. Showing up at a social event where everyone knows each other and you’re the new person without context is SCARY. My idea of a fun time is not spending a weeknight making small talk with strangers, but I also know that you have to push past that if you’re going to build the meaningful relationships that I want, the kind that thrive in quiet places. At least once a week in the last two months I’ve hyped myself up to do something I really really didn’t want to do, and I haven’t regretted any of it. I haven’t had an awesome time every single time—sometimes it’s really uncomfortable and exhausting! But I’m always grateful when I push past the discomfort.

4. This is a great time for programs, classes, and groups. I signed up for two months of personal training at my new gym, which meant I spent an hour each week talking to my trainer between sets. That helped me feel more grounded at the gym, and it meant I couldn’t be anonymous there. I’ve joined a choir and started music lessons, and my partner took a month-long bouldering class. Having somewhere to be regularly, where people expect you, makes it feel like your presence matters.

5. Follow every cool business you find on social media, and try to meet the owners and employees while you’re in them. Not in a weird way, but just in a friendly chit chat way. I think a lot of feeling like you belong in a place is about developing loose social connections — those relationships with people who aren’t quite friends, but maybe you follow each other on social media and if you see each other in the world you’ll say hi and catch up for a minute. Over time, some of those relationships bloom into friendships, but I think the acquaintances can be equally as satiating in their own way.