I had the kind of year that New Year’s resolutions dream of. In January of 2024, I knew I was deeply unhappy for reasons I couldn’t really articulate (my life seemed—and was—great!). I’m not sure I could have even articulated what “better” looked like. Now, nearly every part of my life has improved: I lowered my A1C, I decreased my SSRI dosage, I sleep better, I’m less depressed, my friendships deplete me much less, I have more energy, I’ve been creatively prolific, and I feel more confident and resilient when confronted with challenges. I’ve accomplished goals I’ve worked toward for years and started building toward new dreams. Most importantly to me, I’ve managed to keep my cool amidst some really gnarly stuff in my personal life.
I wish I could attribute these changes to a journaling practice or a set of resolutions or even a life-changing supplement, but the truth is that I didn’t enter 2024 intending for any of this to happen. That is not to say the changes came out of nowhere; I know that many of the positive changes in my life are the result of deliberate and difficult changes I made.
After sitting with it for a couple weeks, I’ve come up with a few lessons learned from my deeply transformative year.
Letting go of “should”
It’s a self-help cliché at this point to stop “shoulding” all over yourself, but I’d take it one step further: When you notice your inner voice saying you “should” do something, ask why. What are you trying to prove with this “should”? How is it holding you back? The improvements in my life came directly from my decision to let go of different things I thought I “should” do: I should keep this person in my life, I should swallow this thing that offended me, I should be able to lift heavier weights at a 3x a week schedule, I should love my body no matter what. I found that my “shoulds” were tied very closely with the stories I tell about myself about who I am, but more often I found myself feeling trapped within my own expectations.
Once I let go of the “shoulds,” there was more room in my brain to hear what I actually wanted or needed. Letting go of “shoulds” is the first step to radically accepting yourself for who you are and what you need. At this point, when I hear someone say they “should” do something or feel a way about a situation, my impulse is to immediately question WHY.
Listen to your gut
I had seen doctors for years about my chronic fatigue and depression, but I never got satisfactory answers. They just prescribed more SSRIs. By most measures, I was in fine health, but I still felt terrible. Around March, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously off. I went in for my annual physical and my PCP ordered a routine blood panel where I learned that my A1C was in the prediabetic range. This started a whole saga of diet and lifestyle changes that have resulted in my feeling so much better.
I listened to my gut two times here: First, when I insisted on telling my provider multiple times that I didn’t feel good. And second, when I decided to take my prediabetes diagnosis seriously and tackle it by changing my diet.
People have a whole range of reactions to a diagnosis like this, from ignoring the diagnosis to going way too hardcore and cutting out all carbs. With my history of disordered eating, my loved ones—even my therapist—weren’t sure that cutting down on carbs and sugar was going to be the healthiest decision for me. But there was something in my gut that told me this was related to how terrible I’d been feeling, and I was right. This was directly related to letting go of “shoulds,” too; for a long time, I believed I “should” be someone who doesn’t pay attention to what’s on nutrition labels because of past relationships I’ve had with food. But I decided to try having an open mind about my treatment plan, and I’m really glad I did.
The good compounds
Many of the positive changes in my life came as a result of focusing on improving my health: once I felt physically better, I had more energy to devote to exploring creative projects, and the more time I spent on my creative projects, the more whole and confident I felt overall. I don’t mean to say that all good changes flow from health changes, but that once you start to deliberately improve one part of your life, it’s likely that the others will follow.
This is also to say that sometimes you don’t see the effects of the changes you make for a long, long time. I have been in therapy consistently for twelve years, but it’s only in the last two that I’ve seen the most transformative change to the way I handle my anxiety, depression, and traumas. This doesn’t mean the first ten years were a waste; I think I needed to build on all those years of work to finally see drastic changes. It’s kind of like in a yoga class, when your instructor says that corpse pose is the most important part of class because you get to soak up the benefits of your practice.
Sometimes you work quietly and diligently for weeks, months, or even years before you see the fruits of your labor. That doesn’t mean change isn’t underway though.
This year, we’re flying back to the east coast on the 31st, which is my favorite way to spend New Year’s Eve. I am ambivalent about New Year’s; I prefer to use my birthday as my annual reset. I tend to feel a deep dread in my gut as the ball drops, so I prefer to spend it at home, quiet, and in reflection. For once, I feel excited about what’s to come in the new year. I hope that you find some glimmer, too.
This is so lovely. I'm so happy for you. And wow, I related to the part about working hard in therapy and it taking time. Thanks for writing.
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing